So I’m like a day away from my first set of college exams and in traditional me form, I’m horribly under prepared because study and I just don’t get on.
When I was getting really stressed about because I was worried about my leaving cert, my favourite teacher spent a lot of her time talking to me and trying to stop me from panicking. I’m very lucky in that I’m smart enough to get away with being as lazy as I am, and her method of calming me down mainly consisted of reminding me that I was gonna do pretty well even with little effort and then I’d be in college doing subjects I actually want to do. I’m very grateful to her for being willing to talk to me, and also I’m grateful that she knew me well enough to know the best way to talk to me. While I was still quite worried about the exams, she did help a lot, and even when my exams weren’t going as well as I’d hoped I was never worried about getting into the college (the benefits of aiming for a fairly low points course).
Then of course it turned out that I’d been kind of worrying about nothing, I was fortunate enough to end up with a very good leaving cert. I got into my first course and I also got the thing that was stressing me out more, the entrance scholarship into Maynooth that both my sisters got and I was convinced I wasn’t gonna get and I’d be shunned from the family and it was just gonna be awful… so yeah, that went well.
But it turns out that, even after the leaving cert, the magical ability to study still hasn’t made itself known.
And it doesn’t really make sense, because the thing that *really* got to me when trying to study before was that I hated half my subjects, the ones that weren’t sciences. Now I *only* do sciences. And even then I only do ones I like: Maths, Maths Physics, Experimental Physics and Chemistry. Okay I don’t like chemistry but I had to have 4 and I got a nicer timetable with chemistry than with computer science. But still like, it shouldn’t be that bad to study now… but still I’m just like, you know what? Tumblr…
And in a way I wish that I *had* been disappointed with the LC because then the back of my mind wouldn’t be going “ah yeah, but I’ll be grand like…” like chemistry is my first exam so I’m kind of worried about it but instead of studying I’m sitting here going “I thought I knew nothing in the leaving cert and that worked out well didn’t it?” and I know it’s stupid and that college is meant to be *harder* than school so getting into college shouldn’t be my brain’s guarantee that I’ll do ok here but I can’t help it, I just don’t study, I try to start off and then just mess it up and go online or read a book or sleep or something.. it’s so irritating and I know that it’s obviously my fault but I just never change.
I do at least have the consolation of having an okay average in most things for my CA, but still. I thought I was meant to have copped on by now, but I’m still fighting with myself and being stupid and totally not following my current life motto of “Don’t Panic!”
And even now while I should be stressing the voice in the back of my head is there being all blasé and smug and it’s just great.
Hopefully since it’s only first semester I’ll get by, and then for next semester I’m really gonna try get myself to stop being such an idiot.
And attack of the ego here for a minute, but I honestly don’t get how smart people study… I mean I have a lot of very intelligent friends, not to mention intelligent family members and while my sisters are both pretty lazy, I have these super smart friends who work so hard and I’m just sitting there in the background thinking “don’t you get that you don’t need to?” and obviously I’m the one who’s messing up but still I wonder how people do it…
Anyway hopefully I’ll manage, it’s really chemistry that’s the worry, physics and maths should hopefully be grand since I’ve been doing well enough in assignments and whatever in those…
Time will tell I guess.
